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       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on October 12, 2011 View Comments 5      
How do you unlock the door???

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she says, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

"Well, give me some examples." says the man.

The lady explains, "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn't for me either." Then she asks, "How do you unlock your door?"

"Well," said the man, "Before I do anything else, I lick the lock..."

       Posted by CREMEDELACREME Posted on October 4, 2011 View Comments 0      
((((((((((((S**T))))))))))
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
       Posted by CREMEDELACREME Posted on October 4, 2011 View Comments 0      
SEX CODE
A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a PHONE CALL so that the kids will not decode...

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.

Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at
home, I will go to a Public Phone .

Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dare go to a public phone, she will open a Call Center at home.
       Posted by CREMEDELACREME Posted on October 4, 2011 View Comments 0      
10th Anniversary
went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. the locals were shouting 'paedo' and other names at me just cos my bird is 21 and i'm 40. Totally out of order and it completely ruined our 10th Anniversary.
       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on September 26, 2011 View Comments 7      
To Kiss or Not to Kiss

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me!" says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."

"No, I'm sorry, I just can't!" he says. Five minutes later, she asks again, "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

(sound familiar?...lol)

       Posted by SEXYSUZY1 Posted on September 20, 2011 View Comments 1      
Phone call
The telephone rings and the wife answer the call,
after half hour talking, she hang up .
- usually you talk  2 hours, said the husband,
-well , it was wrong number, replied the wife !
       Posted by DISCREETGUY Posted on September 11, 2011 View Comments 7      
100 ways you know you’re a Swinger!

100 ways you know you’re a Swinger!

1.      You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.

2.      Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.

3.      You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.

4.      You have over 50,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.

5.      You know most of your friends’ by their first names (Rich & Jen, Frank & Beth) but you don’t know their last names.

6.     You have more lingerie than a hooker.

7.      You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.

8.      You position the computer screen in such a way your children can’t sneak up on you.

9.      You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.

10.  Before traveling somewhere, you look up couples in that area.

11.  You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon.

12.  Your spouse asks you if you want to have sex, and your first thought is”With who?”

13.  Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.

14.  Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.

15.  Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.

16.  Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”

17.  You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.

18.  You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join you for a foursome.

19.  The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.

20.  You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.

21.  You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is NOT “Playboy”

22.  The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.

23.  You remember to bring lube before you remember to bring lipstick.

24.  Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.

25.  You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.

26.  The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you.

27.  You bet your wife who can score first with that cute girl.

28.  You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.

29.  You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when it’s freezing outside.

30.  Your wedding reception has an after party.

31.  You get dressed for a party and don’t worry about comfort because your clothes won’t be on for very long.

32.  You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.

33.  You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.

34.  You’ve invited friends over and made porn.

35.  You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s breasts.

36.  Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.

37.  You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.

38.  Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.

39.  A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.

40.  You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.

41.  You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.

42.  You take photos of yourself with your head out of the frames, on purpose.

43.  You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear tonight.

44.  You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.

45.  Every day is “Hump Day”, not just Wednesday.

46.  You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.

47.  You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.

48.  You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.

49.  You place a ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”

50.  You choose furniture based on which best repels semen stains.

51.  The staffs at Hedo and Desire send you birthday cards.

52.  You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.

53.  The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives, even in summer.

54.  In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.

55.  You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.

56.  All of your vacation photos were taken inside your hotel room.

57.  You have free places to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.

58.  You’ve ended e-mails with “Bi-Bi”.

59.  You can expertly identify the differences between every type of breast implants.

60.  On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.

61.  You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.

62.  Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.

63.  The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.

64.  It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.

65.  You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.

66.  You actually installed a lock on a bedroom closet door that holds your sex-swing and other fun stuff.

67.  You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will turn on one of your home videos you forgot to hide.

68.  You make bets about how long it will take to “convert” your vanilla friend.

69.  You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.

70.  Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and decide …” Here’s how we know each other…”

71.  You start having withdrawals if the swinger’s web site is down.

72.  When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.

73.  You ask a guy to teach you “That thing you do with your fingers that my wife enjoys so much.”

74.  In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.

75.  You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.

76.  You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.

77.  The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.

78.  All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.

79.  Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.

80.  You’ve handed out business cards that have nothing to do with your occupation.

81.  Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!

82.  You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.

83.  You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.

84.  You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.

85.  You own a double-headed dildo.

86.  You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.

87.  You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, lube and Red Bull.

88.  On vacation you set aside time to take pictures that are actually acceptable to show to your family.

89.  After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.

90.  You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.

91.  Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.

92.  The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.

93.  Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.

94.  On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.

95.  You tell your friends not to call while your parents are in town.

96.  You never make it to the drive-thru before they quit serving breakfast, on your way home.

97.  You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.

98.  You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.

99.  You spent twice as long on your profile than you did on your resume.

100. You laughed out loud at 25 or more of these!

       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on September 8, 2011 View Comments 0      
Pardon?

The local swingers club had two employees, Jane and Jack. Both were superb with the customers, always kept the drinks flowing and joined in the fun whenever they could. The customers loved them both, but one day the boss looked at the accounts and had no choice but to fire one of them.

He watched them both like a hawk all week to try and decide whom to give their cards but as usual both were on the ball.

He watched Jane from his office as she took a couple of aspirin after a particularly hard night and decided to talk to her.

“Jane” he said “I’m gonna have to lay you or Jack off”

Jane answered, “Can you jack off…I have a head ache”

       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on August 26, 2011 View Comments 2      
The Bumble Bee
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you give your permission".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on August 9, 2011 View Comments 3      
Are we talking golf here?...lol
       Posted by FILTH Posted on July 28, 2011 View Comments 2      
hummm... joke?
We don't really have a swingers joke, just had to get rid of super-roid-rage's picture shinging up at us like a discarded cover of Attitdue magazine.. so here's an ordinary sex joke or 3...


Dear Deidre I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?...

My next door neighbor just informed me that some clothes had gone missing off her washing line. I nearly shit her pants.


At school my favorite lesson used to be PE due to the fact I was the hardest and had the biggest cock. I used to love strolling around the changing rooms stark naked, flicking the weaker kids with the tip of my towel while pointing and laughing at the ones with little peckers.

That is, until they sacked me.


I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in.
Now she's made a formal complaint, and I'm banned from the gym.


       Posted by NEWNREADY Posted on June 14, 2011 View Comments 7      
After 20 Years...

A vanilla friend just texted me this, and I had to share...
 

After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband used a dildo on her the entire time.

Angry, she stormed into the living room while he was watching TV with the kids and said, "Explain the dildo, you bastard!"

The husband calmly turned to her and said, "Explain the kids, Bitch!"

       Posted by SEXYSUZY1 Posted on January 27, 2011 View Comments 1      
A good one

The judge ask the husband: why you want to divorce ?

Husband : I’m not comfortable with her..

Judge to the wife : and what is your reply Madame?

The wife : it’s strange, all the neighborhood men are comfortable with me, why not he ?

       Posted by TRACIANNE Posted on July 13, 2010 View Comments 1      
Why we should listen
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,   
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of
 your time, 
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... 

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' 

and she proceeded to close the door. 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it
 wide open... 
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' 

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
 

''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
 manure 
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you  a fork,
 
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
       Posted by MICMICHAEL Posted on April 30, 2010 View Comments 1      
The pearly Gates
Bob & Judy were Married for 30 years. Suddenly Judy becomes ill and is admitted to the Hospital.  She expires after a week and ends up at the pearly gates where Peter, states that she will need to pass a test to enter heaven.  All the while, the family that have gone before are behind the heavenly fence encouraging her.  Saint Peter asks her to spell love. Judy says L...O..V......E, and peter is happy as he admits her to her family.  Ten years pass, while partying all the while. Then Peter asks Judy to "man" the gates for awhile as he has a meeting "with the Lord". Judy asks "do I need to spell the word love?" And Peter "he is sure she will do fine".  Judy "mans" the gate and has seven newcomers spell and then enter. Just then she notices her husband of ten years previous, next in line. Bob says "honey", Judy greets him with "baby". Judy goes on about the ten years she has spent in heaven and then asks Bob what he has been doing the last ten years?. Bob says well honey " remember when you got sick in the hospital and that nurse came in while in the hospital? And judy interjects "oh, the Blond pretty one"? Bob says "yah, well she was so touched by your death, she came to the funeral, we talked a little, we went out for coffee and one thing led to another and we got Married. Then the next week, I won the state lottery of 25 million bucks. Judy interjects, "geez, when we were Married, we were alway dirt poor".  Bob goes on about the mansion bought, the trips around the world and the fun he has had. Bob then stops and asks "what he has to do to enter?".  Judy thinks awhile and tells him he has to spell a word.  Bob excitedly asks "what he has to spell?" and Judy blithely says "Czechoslovakia"! 
       Posted by INDEMAND Posted on April 15, 2010 View Comments 0      
Mother Daughter Threesome!

Joe was drinking at a bar the other night and noticed an older lady drinking alone as well.

After his second drink hethought she must be about 55 or 60, and was probably very hot when she was younger.

After his third drink, she was looking better.

After his fourth drink, he was thinking I bet she has a HOT daughter...

On his fifth drink he asked the bar tender to send her one as well.

After is sixth drink she was smiling at him, so he bought them another round....

On his eight drink, he went over and started talking to her and telling her how sexy she was.

She whispered in his ear that she wanted to get him back to her place. 

To add to the incentive, she asked if he had ever had a Mother Daughter Threesome.

His wildest dream had just come true, so he breathlessly said that he would love to.

Luckily she lived only a block away.

Stiff with anticipation he followed, they walked in the door and to the stairs.



She flipped on the light and yelled upstairs, "Mom WAKE UP, I have another one!!"

 

       Posted by INDEMAND Posted on April 7, 2010 View Comments 0      
Why single women are skinny....

Single women come home, go to the refrigerator, look inside and think..

"Nah, I dont want those pounds on my ass" then go to bed.



Married women come home, go to the bedroom, look inside and think

"Nah, I dont want those pounds on my ass" then go to the refigerator.
       Posted by FINEFUN4US Posted on April 5, 2010 View Comments 0      
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat......... ...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...... ....
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
       Posted by INDEMAND Posted on February 14, 2010 View Comments 1      
My black-eye and fat lip suggests.....
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'...

was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked

"Where are you taking me for Valentine's?"
       Posted by INDEMAND Posted on February 11, 2010 View Comments 0      
The Greatest Poker Play EVER!

Two couples were playing cards one evening.
John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under
the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide
apart, and she wasn't wearing
any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon
trying to sit back up again,hit
his head on the table & emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen
to get another drink. Bill's wife followed
& asked, "Did you see
anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that,
well, indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost
you $500."


After taking a minute or two to assess the
financial situation as well as
the moral costs of this offer, John says that
he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill,
works Friday afternoons & John
doesn't, that John should be at her house
around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at
Bill's house for the planned
time at 2 pm sharp & after paying her the
agreed upon $500, they went to
the bedroom & completed their sexual
transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As
usual, Bill came home from
work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks
his wife abruptly, "Did John
come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump
in her throat, Bill's wife
answered,"Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon".
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?". In terror, she assumed that
somehow he had found out, &
after mustering up her best poker face,
replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face,
surprised his wife by
saying,"Good, I was hoping he did. John came
by the office this morning &
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd
stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home & pay me back."

*NOW THAT'S A PLAYER ! ! ! !